Kanga Slang

A Thought

2010-12-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

If I were supported in a decision...

Would I still wonder if I am doing the right thing?

Just a thought...

It's ON

2010-01-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

LIKE DONKEY KONG!!!!!...oh yeah, i did :)

I have been in such a slump. I have been sick, physically with what turned out to be a whole upper respiratory funk. I'v been depressed and discouraged about being 5 pounds heavier today than when I started my journey Dec. 9th. If you read my previous blog post.. and read my moms comment (i did, thank you mother dearest) then you would know that something has been up with me. Mom knew that my spirits were low and she could hear it even through my written words.. that's why God gave us all mothers, wether by birth or the woman in your life that loves you just because of who you are and for no other reason. I believe we all have that person in our lives. We should all tell them thank you today.. for keeping us grounded and reminding us of our worth and our strength when we have forgotten. Thank you Mama :) I love you!

Now, back to it being ON!
My husband has offered to take me to the gym and wear me out tomorrow. He wants to be my personal trainer and and push me to my limits. He warned me that he wouldn't be easy on me and that I couldn't get mad. I reminded him that I'm not that girl. im not the one who whines in the gym or when it hurts.. Im just not her. now if you hurt my feelings.. that's another story! If anyone says or even hints to the idea that I have too much food on my plate or anything of the nature.. I'm hurt but worse than that I'm MAD! When I get mad people it's not pretty.. and let me clarify.. I don't get mad at the person who has offended me... I get mad at myself.. because I KNOW THEY ARE RIGHT! & the truth HURTS! SO now that I have made this self discovery.. what am I gonna do about it? The only way to find out how big or small a self discovery really is, is to test it out.

SO here's the problem...
I have to find a way to stop making food the center of my universe the center point of entertainment. and for goodness sakes stay focused!!!!

here's the strategy...
I have to make food boring. food=fuel ONLY for at least 6 weeks, that is until March 8th!

Here's the NEW menu:
Breakfast- 1 cup bran cereal with or without banana and 1/2 cup of reduced fat milk. OR (1-2) Fiber One pop tarts, OR (1)Breakfast Bar (not Shoney's, the healthy kind in a wrapper)
Lunch- Ham or turkey sandwhich wheat bread, 1 slice of cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickle and just a dab of mayo. the sandwhich can be substituted for grilled/baked fish or chicken. my side dish will be either steamed veggies or a fresh salad with lowfat dressing.
Dinner: Grilled/Baked fish or chicken with steamed veggies.

**ALL items on the menu are interchangeable** but may not be eaten all at once :)
all beverages will be either water, diet soda, with occasional coffee/ low cal sweeteners only.
I will only allow myself one snack in the evening before or after dinner it must be less than 150 cals (popcicle, pudding, popcorn) **Sunday's are the exception for traditional Breakfast and Lunch, DInner time will go back to "the menu"

WE will not eat dinner while watching TV. We will eat together and talk together.
I will learn what it means that "man does not live off of bread alone, but every word from the Father" matt 4.

I thank God that He keeps showing me the things that I need to be shown.. & I thank God for YOU

love. love. love!

Freakin!

2010-01-18T14:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I have not yet shared any of my weight loss goals with you. I think that could be because (even though I have invited you on this journey with me) I still feel afraid.. of failure.. & this guy..

if you have read any of my blogs that followed Dec 9th you would know that failing and being a disappointment are among my BIGGEST fears!
It is getting DANGEROUSLY close to my 30th birthday. that is NOT the problem.. surprisingly.
I have a MUCH bigger problem. My FIRST goal that I had set was to lose 30lbs by my 30th birthday which is now 11 weeks away, translating to a NEEDED 3lbs weight loss every week until my Birthday. The even bigger problem is that I feel hopeless. I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I used to believe in myself and now there is so much doubt. It's sad, I know. sorry to be such a Deborah

but I really need some help and I don't know how to find it anymore. Of course I pray.. I am praying everyday.. but I feel like God is getting sick of me.. and I feel like I am waiting on him to hit me with some kind of abra chadabrah magical weight shedding stick.. that is not going to happen either.

I have sent a partial application (email) to the Biggest Loser people. Pray that the right people read it and have mercy.. that GOD & the Biggest Loser will work together for the good... of me.

thanks.

love love love!

PIG FLU?

2010-01-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

MAYBE they do?! H1N1? not likely..
however, this may very well be the cutest pig I have ever seen! I want one.(seriously, since i was like 3yrs old)

but I do NOT wish to be sick any longer.. And I have just received word that my prince is on his way now to rescue me from afar (Dallas, Tx) so I am THRILLED & patiently waiting his arrival..

okay, so I am feeling theatrical, & a bit dramatic & very, very ill so I think I will be off to bed..

so, I will look more like this when he gets here.. aaaand every bit as precious, thank you very much ;)

sweet dreams,

love. love. love!

1-14-10

2010-01-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

I have been SICK! I have some kind of Epizutti Virus.. don't look it up, I just made it up.. but it is real, believe that!
I have a stuffed up nose, that drips on the constant.. my throat tickles and itches like the the very air i breathe is filled with those little floating seedlette thingys from the white puffy blow flowers. I know and understand that I am making no sense to you, I tried to tell my husband (note the lack of adjectives) that I was in no shape whatsoever to writting a blog on public internet, but he says "accountability honey.. remember that is what you wanted" ... he is only saying that because today I have eaten terrible things.. yesterday i was also sick but didn't eat terrible things and I had no lecture then?! okay so, seriously.. today i behaved badly. the caf' was serving carnival food.. I I fell for it hook, line and sinker! But I Am sick.. and I HAD to go to class.. so I felt in some strange way that I deserved to be at a "real" carnival.. since after all the medicine I have been on for the past 48 hours has made me feel like I just stepped off this ride..

yeah, I know.. the swings are my favorite too.. that's why I don't mind the medicine too much ;) jk.
it's time for some confession.. be gentle

today's menu :
Breakfast I had cereal nothing fancy, just chocolate frosted mini wheats 260 cals, Lunch I splurged for the "best caf' carnival option.. a corndog 250 cals, and pizza (peperoni) 420 and salad 200.
for dinner I ate tilapia 130 with pasta sides "garlic shells" 330 , mashed potatoes 140, corn 70, blueberry muffin 120
snack (as if i needed one huh?!) choc chip muffin 120 cal with frozen yogurt 150

GRAND TOTAL=2,190 calories
- 600 for one hour of Zumba (i figured if I could eat that much while I was ill, I had no excuse!)

Had to BOOMBA!!! :)

I'm gonna pray I do ALLOT better tomorrow...

love. love. love!!!

1-12-10

2010-01-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

I took my first tues/thurs classes today. Bible (the book of Acts), Counseling for Ministers, Com I, and I enjoyed all three. I think this semester is going to be allllright :) I am going to be writing quite a good bit.. which im sure surprises you to hear that I am not too terribly bothered by the idea. I feel better this time around than i did last semester.. i attribute that to my family. I think going home over Christmas and getting to spend so much quality time with them really helped me in allot of ways. I feel more like me.. if that makes any sense? Now if I can just make it for three and half more years?! But who am i kidding.. God only knows where He is sending us next! Today I have thought allot about my upcoming "talk" that I will be presenting to the "Ready to Speak" Chapel on Feb 2nd. My dear sweet entirely supportive husband encouraged me to speak up and not give up .. as I was telling him that I was already beginning to get nervous about talking in front of so many people ( i understand that some of my close family members reading this are in shock) I wanted to let someone on the "waiting list" take my place. He encouraged by helping me strategize my plan of attack.. "Go with what ya know" he said. He reminded me of one of my favorite verses and one that is a foundation to his and my relationship.. Proverbs 4:23 "guard your heart, for from it flows the wellspring of life". He is right this is one that I have tried with all my might to practice over the past 3 or so years. So I may refrence this verse over the next couple weeks here and there.. bare with me :)

today's caloric intake was 1,336 minus 600 for doing 1 hour of Zumba today (in spite of my soar throat and aching head.. i guess neither have much to do with the backside :)

love. love. love!

1-11-10

2010-01-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

I know that satan is trying to work on me somehow, somewhere.. in some area.. i know for sure he's been tempting the HECK outta me with food.. and im about sick of IT! I feel like something BIG is about to happen.. idk if it has to do with me, with you or some stranger out there in the world that has absolutely nothing to do with my immediate reality but still could somehow alter my future present reality in a very real way. get me???
I do know this.. I have recently gotten the feeling that satan has been sleeping a little easier at night because of me... things are about to CHANGE! I'm gearing up, getting my guard on! I'm just sick of life having it's way with me! Throwing any ol' curve ball it wants to right at my head.. and it knows what kind of swing i'm gonna take.. half hearted.. half throttle. I don't know when it happened.. when I got so lazy.. took my eye off the ball. You would think i would of learned my lesson the last time that happened.. im still sporting the knot on my nose to prove it.

It's time to PLAY some BALL! JUST SLANG IT BABY!

oh yeah, today I had a total of 1,915 calories.. i am too tired to make the list, unless you just insist to know.. i can post it tomorrow..

love love love!!!

1-7-10

2010-01-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

Surprise!!!

No school today!!! HOOOORAY! I already had today off, since school for me doesn't resume until this Monday. Gabby on the other hand lucked out! She was sooo pumped! I remember those days, hoping wishing, and praying for a small miracle of a snowy white scene in the morning. We did not have the snowy white part, but i guess the roads somewhere near here were slick enough to call it off. The bad news in the deal is that ZUMBA was also cancelled.. and I didn't find out until I got to the Y.. ready to BOOMBA.. no such luck for me today. It may have been God's way of telling me i needed to take a break from all the booty shaking.. certain muscles are getting pretty sensitive.. NOT THOSE! :) haha!
So, in light of my bad news.. Gabby and I decided to opt for the next best thing available.. racket ball! Here's some of the moves that we tried...JOKING!
On to more serious matters.. Today's menu.
Disclaimer: I am a woman, I do not usually allow this to be used as an excuse or aliby in any form.. today.. nature almost got the best of me.

So.. Don't JUDGE ME.. hggghmm.. okay, here we go...
Breakfast-turkey bacon 70 cal (I have officially decided that I CAN NOT in good conscience substitute good old fashioned pork bacon with a bird..! I will put it in soups, chili, stew, spaghetti and so on.. but I will not eat it with eggs, Sam! that is just too much bird on one plate!) cream of wheat 170 cal, 1 egg 100 cal
Lunch-Taco Soup + corn bread 500 cal
snack-cereal +1/2 banana 300 cal (this was my attempt to curb my sweet tooth)
snack-the first attempt FAILED.. 4 blocks of a giant sized symphony bar 210cal
Dinner- mexican pile on (in honor of Football night) 280 cal (chips), 300 cal (extras)
snack-frozen yogurt with choc syrup 150 cal (i learn quickly from my mistakes and after auntie Lisa's confirmation.. i went straight for the goods!i will not waste my sacred calories on all bran cereal for snacks again! ha!!)

Today's GRAND total (not too grand) 2,080 calories.
- 160 calories for racket ball (30 min)
- 88 calories for strength training (15 min)

There it is.. let's try to do better tomorrow.

love, love, love!

1-6-10

2010-01-06T19:49:00.000-08:00

This was ME today! I have been so utterly sore that I would not have gotten out of bed today had I of not been so encouraged by my dear husband. Thankfully his coercion lured me out of my pitiful state and into yet another ZUMBA class at 9am! NOW, can you imagine the guy in the pic above in a ZUMBA class?! Yeah, it was rough! But, surprisingly worth every minute of the torture. I found another GREAT instructor in this lovely city of Edmond. I had a blast!

Today's menu:
Breakfast-cereal 240, Banana 105
Lunch-Taco Soup.. yes again.. have you not yet figured out by now I am a girl of habit and more importantly of cost efficiency and priority! haha..
Dinner- Chicken Quesadillas, 125 (chick), 180 (tortilla), 120 (cheese), 40 (sour cream), 60 (guacamole)
Snack- fudge pop 100

Grand Total= 1,470 calories minus 600 calories for 1 hour of ZUMBA BOOMBA! oh yeeeeeah!!!!

off to bed (with my heating pad) so I can recover, hopefully in time for 5:30pm Zumba... tomorrow :)

love. love. love!!!

Today.. 1-5-10

2010-01-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

Thank you JESUS.. Biggest Loser is back on for the season!!!! I swear it is like church for me. I watch the show and it inspires, challenges, uplifts and convicts me. Of course I am not trading in my religion.. don't go and get your panties in a wad
But truly I am thankful for the biggest loser in my life! Just to think.. I did 2 (TWO) ZUMBA classes.. BEFORE I ever watched tonight's premier! HA! I guess I was getting siked out for it?! It was allllot of fun and I am going back for more in the morning! YEAH BABY!

Ok, on to the boooooring stuff... foood... yuuuuuck :)
Breakfast- choc mini wheats and 1/2 c milk 240 cal
Lunch- 2 c taco soup and 1 pc. corn bread 500 cal
Dinner- Tilapia 110 cal, Pasta sides 310, green beans 30, pinto beans 122 cals
Snack- fudge pop 100 cal.

TOTAL calories for the day= 1,412-(that's right, MINUS) 925 calories burned in ZUMBA BOOMBA BABY!!!!

going to bed.. goodnight!

love. love. love!!!

Yesterday (1-4-10)

2010-01-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

I am sorry I did not get to post yesterday.. I am having some trouble getting motivated with the blogging again. But in my defense.. I had no internet access until now. So, I will recap yesterdays events as best I can.

Breakfast- cereal with a banana 250 cal
Lunch- Ramen noodles (i know this is terrible but i did not have allot of options) 380 cals
early dinner- 2 cups taco soup (thanks to Courtney for the wonderful recipe!) + 1 pc cornbread 500 cal
snack- frozen yogurt 150 cal
dinner- 1 cup taco soup + 1/2 pc corn bread 300 cal

TOTAL= 1,580 calories for the day
+ 25 minutes of circuit cardio (biggest loser dvd) that subtracts apx 300 calories from my day!

I will back (internet willing) later this evening with the report for today!

ps.. for all of you who were anxiously waiting to hear the TRUTH.. wait NO MORE.... ..... .... haha..

only 1 pound gained over the ENTIRE holiday break! I was pleasantly surprised. I guess it was the sporadic workouts and Zumba that I have to thank.. either way.. that 1 pound will be ancient history.. probably before anyone ever reads this entry!

love. love. love!

Truth or Dare??

2010-01-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

I would choose DARE any day of the week..

BUT the TRUTH will be told tomorrow...

love. love. love!

Holiday Break

2009-12-23T10:05:00.000-08:00

Now that I am home with my family, I am going to need every minute that I can spare to give to them and celebrating Christmas. Today (12-23-09) is my moms birthday and I am going to be very busy with those plans. For the next few days I am going to be relying on God, myself and family to keep me accountable in my weight loss journey. My standards for myself during these holi"days" are not going to be extremely high as I will enjoy them and will not deprive myself. However, my goal is moderation and keeping up an exercise regimen while I am here. Which will not be hard.. my mom is a very strong motivator. I am thankful for her and hope someday I can be half the mom she is! When I return, I will giving a breif account of my holi"days and any damage done or victories won! Hopefully there will be more of the latter. In the meantime, I hope that you all have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS & Happy New Year!!

love love love!!!

12-21-09

2009-12-21T21:23:00.000-08:00

I have been SOooooo stinking EXCITED allll day today!
Tomorrow I get to go home (to TN) and spend Christmas break there with the best people on the PLANET!!!!!!
But that is tomorrow..
Today the fam and I cleaned up the apartment. Top to bottom! We packed, watched a couple movies (because now we are junkies!), and had friends over to watch the season finale of "The Sing Off". Where btw.. Nota took the cake (as my husband and I totally suspected they would!) If you are not familiar with my husband.. you can find his blog here. He is AWESOME!
okay, back to.. today..
Breakfast I had 1 pancake with syrup and 2 pieces of turkey bacon (190). Lunch I had a plate of spaghetti (240). Dinner was very nutritious! or not... Chips and salsa with a splash of queso (420)

Today's total= 950! YAY! it was a good day after all the chips and queso! hahaha!

Tomorrow will be a BIG challenge, I'm on the road for TEN hours!!!!

love, love, love!

12-20-09

2009-12-20T20:40:00.000-08:00

This weekend has turned into one BIG MOVIE MARATHON! This evening we watched "Horton Hears a Who", "My Sister's Keeper", and "Star Trek" all three I would highly recommend! I was hesitant to see Sister's Keeper for the reason that it looked a bit depressing.. and I can not stand sad endings unless they are "true life stories" in my opinion we hear and see enough sadness in this world without Hollywood being so creative as to make up a sad story on their own. No. If I want to get mad at life and despise this world we live in I will turn on the local news (which I NEVER do). Wheww, enough of that topic.. It makes me go a little nutty.
Moving on to more exciting topics... my menu for today. (that was a joke)

Breakfast- Braum's Cinnamon Roll 340 cals.
Lunch-Arby's patty melt 450, pretzels 100.
Snack-1.5 cups frozen yogurt 420 cal
Dinner-Chili (yes, again.. it is very good chili :) 460 cal.

TOTAL=1,770 calories

goodnight!

ps.. don't worry, I will do something productive.. tomorrow.

love. love. love!

12-19-09

2009-12-19T19:10:00.000-08:00

Lazy day today! It was cold out, it's Saturday.. and we had nothing better to do than..NOTHING! We caught up on some movies.."Harry Potter and the half blood prince", and "the most wonderful time of the year" (hallmark movie, it was actually really good!). While I will admit it was good to do nothing.. It sure makes it tuff to keep food out of your mouth!

This is what I had today:
Breakfast-cereal with 1/2 banana 305,
Lunch- PB&J 390, tostidos 140, salsa 10
snack-pretzels 100
Dinner-Chili (same as yesterday eve.) 460
snack-eddy's grape pop-80

TOTAL= 1,535 (i did not work out today)

goodnight!

love. love. love!

A Good Mess?

2009-12-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

Part Four of Four
Like I was telling you yesterday, there was this guy. Keep in mind a good mess can still be one HOT mess! haha! Once again I found myself.. distracted. I swapped what little time I was spending in the gym for time with and usually dinners out with "my man". The little victories over a pound lost here and there once again fell wayside to little victories of compliments and sweet-nothings. He was terrific and for the first time in over 10 years I felt truly happy with a man! yep, TOTALLY distracted! Until..
only minutes after he popped THE QUESTION. that's right only minutes.. because you know that after saying yes, and oogling your beautiful ring the next thought is THE DRESS! Oh goodness! I weighed about 220lbs by this time and knew I could NOT have one of the most important day of my life photographed forever in this state! Mind you it was October 29th that he proposed (holiday season) and we set the date for January 1, 2009! Little time and ALLOT to do. HIGH STRESS levels and so many holiday goodies lying around I only managed to lose 10lbs by wedding day. I was not happy about it one little bit. But was able to get over it fairly well..seeing that I was marrying the man of my hopes, dreams and prayers! I have let the happiness that love brings tide me over til now. Well, I say that but should note that I have felt an underlying sense of UNhappiness and even depression for the past several months, which I have determined stems only from my self image. Thus, I MUST do something about it!!!! I have absolutely NO reason to depressed.. I have a WONDERFUL husband, daughter, supportive and loving family, I am going back to school now on full scholarship to pursue my dreams of somehow furthering the Kingdom of God, by using my talents given as a nurse, and learning better how to put it all to practice by majoring in missions. I have been truly blessed with a brand new start! Now it is time to take this body that God has given me and make it into its FULL POTENTIAL!

NO MORE self-defeating talk or behaviors! NO MORE EXCUSES! NO MORE cheating myself! NO MORE disappointments (at least not in the area of health and fitness) NO MORE SELF INFLICTED UNHAPPINESS!

I AM this NEW ME.. TODAY! With God's help, His strength, by His power this woman is being made new in Spirit (9-24-06), Mind (12-09-09) AND BODY! (I will be talking about my goals and those due dates next time!)

love. love. love!

12-18-09

2009-12-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

Today started off a little different than usual. With my finals being over... I think I went into a coma..
I didn't get up til 10.. Robin took the girls to school (girl"s" bc we give a girl who lives upstairs from us a ride to and from each day). I could not believe I slept so long.. So, I decided to skip breakfast today and go straight into lunch. Here's what today did to me..ok time to get the pics above & below outcha brain.. please.. trrrrry to focus! :) haha!

Breakfast-0, Lunch-1/2 pita bread with 1/2 cup of ground beef, 1/3 cups of pinto beans, 1/3 cup of cheddar cheese, 1 tbs sour cream, 1/3 cup of corn, 1/3 cup of lettuce and 2 tbs of salsa this was one heck of a gooooood taco!

For Dinner I had my very own special recipe CHILI YUMMO! 2 cups (with special ingredients:) 5 LF RItz crackas, 1 tbs shredded cheddar, 2 tbs LF Sour Cream. Mid Eve snack- 1 cup of chili with half the extras as above. and my later eve snack- a fugdge pop. For a GRAND TOTAL of calories for the day=1,558. Aaaaaand I did 30 min of circuit cardio! WHEEEEEEW HOOOOO BOYZz!
Gonna GO GETUM! and I wonder why I havn't been sleepin well at night?! geeeez.

love love love!

Clean Up the Mess!

2009-12-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

Part Three
So.. I thought I was happy. I was a (very) young, single, hard working, hard playing mother. I had 3-4 jobs at most times. Living on my own with my little girl.. never getting to see her. Between work, working-out and time she would spend with her father's side of the family.. left little time for just me and her. This motivated me to do something.. I decided to go back to school to get get a job that would require less time away and still pay as much as 3-4 part time gigs. With family's help (thankfully!).. I moved back home and dropped a few of the jobs keeping only the one with the YMCA. I went to a tech school for a certification to become a licensed practical nurse. I worked hard, studied hard, and played a little less hard but had no time for working out (so I thought). I was distracted by school and my drive to make really good grades. I went from my little victories being running a little farther on the treadmill or taking and finishing a new level of working out, losing a pound here and there to those victories being replaced with A's on big tests, little tests, quizzes, ect.. i was totally distracted from my own personal health or fitness and was slowly reverting back to old habits of over-eating and not exercising enough for the weight to creep back on. Before I knew what hit me I was 40lbs heavier.

Those 40lbs led to.. you guessed it.. old feelings of failure, self-defeat and disappointment. I let it handicap me for a few more years. Thinking the whole time 'i should really do something about this weight" but remembering how much time and hard work it took and being afraid of failing again and being a disappointment yet again to myself and those around me.. I think I just decided to "try" to ignore it. Yep.. ignore a big pink elephant being attached to your backside for a while and see what happens to ya..haha! I got heavier, more depressed and more discouraged. At this point I was up 70lbs. Weighing 210lbs at five feet eight inches tall.

Somewhere inside of me something started to click again ( i think it was going over that 200lb mark).. I started working out (occasionally) and watching what I ate (somewhat) I lost about 20lbs, half heartedly. But, I felt a small sense of accomplishment again it was good.. Then along came this guy..

Please stay tuned for the next part of my self-discovery story..

tomorrow.

love. love. love!

12-17-09

2009-12-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

I have had a fairly busy day today. I studied this morning and took my last final for the semester. YAY! This eve Gabrielle had her very first Orchestra Concert. She did FANTASTIC and I have several of the pieces on video if any of you would like to see :) Robin and I are so so proud of her, she is waaaay more disciplined than I was at eleven years old! Without further ado.. bc I'm pooped and going to bed!!!

Here was today's menu...
For breakfast I had 3/4 cup Select's Great Grains cereal with 1/2 cup reduced fat milk 250 cal. For lunch I had 3 oz or pork 170 cal, 1/3 cup dirty rice 55 cal, green beans 20 cal, 2 bites of red roasted potato 70, salad 200 cal. For DInner I had spaghetti again same as last night 370 cal tot. for mid eve snack I had popcorn (light) 100 cal, and later snacked on a fudge popcicle 100 cal.

today's total= 1,335 calories.

PLUS+++ I worked out at 10am for 25 min total (cardio circuit training). I worked out a second time at 3pm doing HIgh impact aerobics for 25 min. this was a total calorie burn of appx 575 calories! I used this tool to est. my calories burned.

goodnight!

love. love. love!

Some Mo' Deep MESS

2009-12-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

Part Two
People often ask me.. "did you get married because you were pregnant?" and for a long time I said ..yes. Now I have realized that I married so that I could possibly take away some of the disappointment and disgrace that I felt I might be causing to my dear family so that maybe I would not be so much of a burden on them. While I was married during these early years of my life I found myself in a deep pitt. I was being verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused by my husband on a daily basis. I was made to believe that I was good for nothing, fat, ugly, and selfish.. the selfish part was for me getting pregnant (because I did it on purpose.. and all by myself!)I was completely isolated from my family who lived only a mile away. I was sentenced to staying in the house and cleaning it to spotless.. unless I left it with him. I did not even have a yard to go to. I tried exercising a few times to video, but was made fun of the entire time all the way to tears while being accused of having or wanting to have an affair if anyone would have me.. this was "obviously" (in his opinion) why I did not want to be overweight. So, once again I found myself as a complete disappointment among other things.

I am telling you all of this.. not to bash my EX-husband but to help you understand the mental emotional cycle that I was programmed on. I have since forgiven my EX and understand that he is hurt and broken in many ways, some could probably only be diagnosed by a professional (no sarcasm intended). I will not pretend to understand why he did all that he did to me. But I do understand that one MUST have God's Holy Spirit living and breathing inside of them and have experienced HIS unconditional love and Mercy to be capable for five seconds to show true love or mercy to another human being. And i can only say this with such confidence because I was one for many years without the love of God in my being and I too was not capable of showing true love or mercy myself. All the while I thought that I DID know God and that I did know what mercy meant.. that was only a lie and trick from Satan.. to keep me under his power. Thank GOD that veil has been removed from my eyes! ( i could stay here for a while.. for the sake of time i will move on.. for now).

After a very long year and a half of misery I was able to leave (another potential for being a disappointment or FAILURE).. I felt in my heart that I had done all that I could do to make him love me. I knew that if I did not go, he would hurt me again (despite his promises). I knew that I would only be giving my precious baby girl what I had to look forward to in her own marriage someday.. I could NEVER let this happen to her..if i had any way of helping to prevent it! Ooooh the pain my mother must have felt, watching me suffer! It hurts my heart when I think back on it. It took me a good year and half to recover (somewhat) back to myself.. full of life and strength. I then realized I was still carrying those 60+ pounds that had been tacked on during my pregnancy. This time I did not let that voice of self defeat speak! I lost 80lbs over the next year! I became a personal trainer at the YMCA where I had been working the front desk for years and was a lifeguard there pre-pregnancy. I had done so well and motivated so many at he Y that the fitness coordinator asked that I join the wellness team and they paid to have me certified to train and inspire others.. I was so HAPPY! (or at least I thought...)

To sum up part two.. I was miserable, fat and depressed.. then I changed what I could to make life better for everyone involved and stopped listening to self-defeating talk leading to re-self-discovery, strength and happiness.

Stay tuned for the next part of my self-discovery story..

tomorrow.

love. love. love!

12-16-09

2009-12-16T19:03:00.000-08:00

Today's menu went as follows:

Breakfast-<1cup of Go Lean Crunch (170 cal) with 1/2 small banana (55 cal) and 3/4 cup of reduced fat milk (70 cal)

Lunch- small (krystal's sized) burger with 1/2 of the bun 250 cal.(cheese 30, small amt of bacon 20, small amt of ranch 35) side salad 200 cal, peaches sliced 60 cal. steamed veggies 60 cal.

snack-fiber bar 140 cal.

Dinner- spaghetti wheat noodles 180 cal. sauce 1/2 cup 90 cal. turkey meat in sauce 150 cal.

TOTAL calories= 1,510

Today's little victory... I ate lunch today in the school's cafe' as usual.. since this is finals week, i guess the staff felt it necessary to help us along by baking a HUGEMONGOUS CAKE! Similar to this one...

Just kidding.. but this sucker was a THREE LAYER SHEET CAKE and the length of the 4 foot long table it was sitting on! ALL of my favorites, white icing.. UGGGGHHHHH and the first layer was white cake, second marble and the third layer was... you guessed it... Chocolate! I know, I know! How did I survive this monstrosity..right?! I HAVE NOoooo idea, had to of been Jesus that time.. because I escaped the cafe' only being slightly dragged by my loving husband :)

love. love. love!

Deep Mess!

2009-12-16T09:05:00.001-08:00

Part One of Four
One of the first things that had to happen at the beginning of my journey to the new me was to figure out what made me start gaining weight in the first place.. way back when. Next figure out why I didn't stop it and how the one attempt that I made and succeeded in ultimately failed. And finally why it has taken me this long to get serious about losing it again. Finding the root of all of these ideas are courtesy of JIllian Michael's (Biggest Loser Personal Trainer). I watched her all season long bring heavy people to tears while on a treadmill of course.. but not from the physical pain but because of the deep heart and soul penetrating questions that Jillian refused to leave unanswered. After the contestants would find the root to their personal defeat in weight loss they would then always begin making progress! This is where my journey began.. with heart and soul searching.

I was an average sized youngster until around age 7 or 8 when I started gaining and stopped growing "upward" as much. I held onto the "baby fat" until the summer after my sixth grade yr. I was 12-13yrs. old I grew tall and lost several pounds that summer walking with my mom. At that point I would say that I was pretty much average sized for being a rather tall girl. Until age 17. I learned that I was pregnant. This was my "free food pass" all the holding back that I had programmed myself to do in my fight against my own will to eat everything and anything in sight that remotely smelled or looked good was GONE. My mother, knowing my almost life long battle with weight graciously warned me several times not to let the weight sneak up on me so quickly, My mother-in-law on the other hand did not know me as well and I think she truly believed that I "needed" more food for the baby.. naturally, I wanted to believe her so I went along with it. 60 lbs and a 7.2lb baby later I was still 60 lbs heavier than when the pregnancy started.

Now, let me sum up what the above story did to my heart along the way.. Being a heavy child with a perfectly skinny younger sister caused feelings of inferiority, not being quite "good enough"( i love my little sister more than life). Becoming pregnant at an early age caused compounded feelings from "not being quite good enough" still lingering (even though I had lost the "baby fat") to feeling as a complete disappointment to my entire family (even though they were all wonderful and did not treat me as a disappointment at all).

In the beginning I have discovered that it was most likely feelings and fears of being a disappointment that caused lowered self-esteem and ultimately self-defeat in my battle against food and weight loss.

Stay tuned for the next part of my self discovery story..

tomorrow.

love. love. love!

Here weeeee GOoooooo!

2009-12-15T20:35:00.000-08:00

The day started off a bit like waiting in line for a really intimidating roller coaster. I was nervous and excited. I am in the middle of taking finals and if any of you are stress eaters you know what this means for me! Nerves shot, late night munchies, and the last thing you want is an apple, pear or a banana!! I attended the presidents luncheon today at OC.. It was decked out with full buffet, personal plates of salad and desert! Thankfully.. I do not like cheesecake especially cheesecake with gooey raspberry saucy stuff all over it. So I chose to sit in front of it instead of the one drizzled in chocolate sauce.. because with chocolate involved.. I can choke down just about anything..even the undelightfully textured cheesecake.Later in the afternoon we visited a bank for over an hour where Acappella was the guest star. The bank had a full table decked out with cookies, milk and coffee. I was good

I only had the coffee.
Without further ado.. my intake for today was as follows..
Breakfast-chocolate mini wheats and 1/2 cup low fat milk 300 calories
Lunch-grilled chick breast (small) 130cal, mixed fruit 100cal, steamed veggies 60 cal, dinner roll 84 cal
Snack-handful of baked cheetos 130cal
Dinner-taco bueno! bean burrito 434 cal and party burrito 298 cal ( i know, i could have done sooo much better without the bueno!)
late night studying for finals..yikes. got a little snacky but tried to be as good as possible!
Snack- low fat fudge pop 100 cal
Snack- 1/2 bag light popcorn 60 cal
Grand total of 1,696 calories.

And just like any scary exciting nerve racking roller coaster..

LET's DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow..

love love love!

BUSTED!!!

2009-12-14T15:53:00.000-08:00

It has been less than 1 week and I am already cheating myself! I started keeping a food journal last Wednesday and was doing really well. Writing down every bite of food that goes into your mouth and its calorie content can be a real eye opening experience! I use this tool to help figure out my meals calorie content. I WAS doing well until... THE CHRISTMAS PARTY (written in big scary print because to a person watching their caloric intake, a Christmas Party can be your WORST NIGHTMARE!) The party itself and company it provided was wonderful and much appreciated, please do not get me wrong. But this party made me lose my ever lovin' MIND! I ate all kinds of nonsense! I was too ashamed to write it down, let alone look up each items calories... So, I didn't. And now I feel more terrible than ever. I am NOT a quitter and certainly NOT a CHEATER (even if it's only of myself)! My solution to this embarrassment is to get YOU involved.

I am taking a vow to journal my daily food intake here on my blog, starting tomorrow.. I know, I know this may be TMI for some.. if so, thats fine. Don't read my blog.

If you think that my example (daily food charting with calories included) will be of assistance to you in some way along your own personal journey then very good! Read ON! You may even decide to help me and help yourself by posting a reply to each days entry with your own food journal entry for the day. Or give me a suggestion to improve my days menu for future reference. Whatever the case, I MUST keep the fire burning and above all else I MUST make every day count FOR me not against me even if it means public humiliation as a motivator.. I will not CHEAT myself again!

love. love. love!!!

The Match has been LIT!

2009-12-09T13:01:00.000-08:00

And it is gonna BURN!!

I will be honest, I do not think that very many people look at this blog.. but that is okay, for now. Because I am about to get pretty personal. I have started a journey that has been a looooong time coming. To write it all down right now, would take days.. maybe weeks and I am way to distractible to attempt that. So, I will start at the most recent turn of events.

First, I have been constipated for months. I know, haha.. but seriously! I have also been diligently working out for months in attempt to lose weight but getting NO where! I believed it to be a poo problem :) This was my solution: blessedherbs.com Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach or are sensitive to the poo topic do NOT look at this site.
Keeping my story short.. I did a 5 day liquid only fast.. and lost 10lbs worth of.. scary stuff.

Next, I have been watching The Biggest Loser for the past season. The inspiration to watch came only from having a friend participate on the show. This is him: Sean Algaier

WE are extremely proud of him!! He and the other Biggest Losers have truly inspired me, along with a big part of the rest of America. So, I have signed up for The Pound for Pound challenge where every pound you pledge to lose through June 30, 2010, the Pound For Pound Challenge will donate 14¢ to Feeding America® — enough to deliver one pound of groceries to a local food bank. GO HERE to sign up to help the less fortunate in your community!

Join me on my journey to the new me. On December 1, 2010, I will post two pictures of me similar to those of Sean above. I can NOT wait to see them! I will keep you posted along the way and give more pieces of my story; how I got here and exactly where I plan to go and how I will get there. Let me know if your out there and want some accountability and encouragement too!

love. love. love!

Risky Business

2009-07-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

PICK ONE

2009-07-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Jesus or Sin

Both like a single rope swinging in from either side just before you drown.

You have to choose one and only one or be torn in two.. and you must choose FAST!

Holding on to your choice with all of your strength, one finger grip less could be your end.

"For the reward of sin is death; but what God freely gives is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord" Romans 6:23

Have you picked the right "rope"?

OC & Acappella

2009-07-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

Check out this press release:

Oklahoma Christian University (OC) has reached an agreement with the Acappella Company that will move members of the popular Christian vocal group Acappella to the OC campus this fall. The company’s headquarters will remain in Goodlettsville, Tenn.

Dr. Mike O’Neal, president of OC, said the goal of the partnership is to promote the beauty and spiritual merit of a cappella music. The agreement with Acappella provides significant benefits to both parties.

“Many of the talented young people who have been a part of Acappella over the years have had to put their college education on hold because of the group’s busy schedule and extensive travel,” he said. “We are providing scholarships to the members of the group. Though Acappella will remain independent of the university, their presence on our campus will result in much goodwill toward Oklahoma Christian as they minister throughout the world.”

Keith Lancaster, founder of Acappella and CEO of the Acappella Company, said, “Never before has the need to celebrate and strengthen the wonderful heritage of a cappella singing been greater. Along with the international concert ministry, Acappella will be mobilizing to lead worship for youth events as well as training and developing a cappella worship leaders. We are energized by Dr. O’Neal’s vision and foresight as he leads Oklahoma Christian to be an ever greater source of strength to equip the local church. Acappella Ministries is honored to be included in this mission.”

Lancaster — songwriter, producer and original lead singer — started Acappella in 1982 with a mission to communicate Gospel truths through music. Believing in the awesome versatility and flexibility of the human voice, Acappella can fill a large concert hall with beautiful, intricate music without instrumental accompaniment.

Acappella’s fan base steadily grew through the 1980s as the group experienced many lineup changes and constantly experimented with fresh new sounds. The landmark album, Sweet Fellowship (1988), ushered in one of the most significant developments in the group’s membership and style. Lancaster stepped out of the group as lead singer to focus on the role of producer and manager. The group continued to change after that, developing a unique sound that has been mimicked by countless groups around the world.

Signed to Word Records in 1990 (and later to Epic Records), Acappella’s popularity soared with releases such as Rescue, We Have Seen His Glory and Set Me Free. Media exposure included many television appearances, while the song “More Precious Than Gold” became the centerpiece of a Sony Camcorder television commercial. Acappella’s new album, Find Your Way, is a mix of strong harmony and sound biblical lyrics. Featuring Acappella’s trademark strong bass and soaring tenor, Find your Way marks a triumphant return for the quintet since their last release of three years ago, Radiance.

Five talented young men — Allen Brantley, Robin Brannon, Zac George, Anthony Lancaster and Zach Wilson — continue Acappella’s work today in concerts all over the world. When Acappella relocates to Oklahoma City in August, Brantley will hand the bass singer baton to Wes McKinzie, who previously toured for seven years with another Acappella Company group, AVB. McKinzie, who is OC’s associate director of marketing services, will join Acappella while retaining his current position at Oklahoma Christian.

This official partnership builds on a long history between Oklahoma Christian and Acappella. Thirteen former or current OC students have served with the Acappella Company through the years: Brantley, Rodney Britt, Luke Coles, Will Coleson, Zac George, Michael Forehand, Steve Maxwell, McKinzie, Robert Orr, Max Plaster, Chet Sweet, Denise Sweet and Bret Testerman.

For additional information concerning Acappella, log on to http://www.acappella.org/.
For more information about Oklahoma Christian, log on to http://www.oc.edu/.

Love Letter

2009-04-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

If you have never seen this before, I hope that you will take a few minutes to read it.. maybe even visit the website where you can listen to it read there.. this letter is written TO: YOU.. both brilliant and beautiful it truly has the potential to change your life..
and the really cool part.. the original author is My Dad!

My Child,You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being.Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish youwith all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I lovedthat I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father.Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love,
Your Dad Almighty God

Copyright Info© Father Heart Communications

Link to the website: http://www.fathersloveletter.com/index.html

10/29/08

2008-11-11T13:33:00.000-08:00

01/01/09 Nashville, TN

for the suffering

2008-06-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

all of these things you know, but times like these its good to be reminded..

there is a reason for everything under heaven.. although God cannot protect us all from bad things happening all the time because we are IN this world He has promised to never leave us.. not one of us.. not even the worst of us! so imagine how close he is to you right now! imagine His big arms wrapped around you while you sit snuggled close on His lap. Remember that He loves you and does'nt want bad.. but that he has to allow it, it was our choice in the begining to be independent of Him the most loving response is to honor the others wish or will. now we honor His Will.. thankfully it is good and perfect in the end.. it may not be now but rest assured in the end you will not only "feel" his comfort and imagine that your in His lap.. but smell His hair and touch His face, hear his voice comfort you and wipe every tear away..

be still and know..

myself

2008-06-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

i am not myself now. usually i am happy, optimistic, on occasion a stray mood, rarely upset and slow to anger.. very seldom rude. ususally i am very centered and not easily shaken. now.. i do not like how i feel. worrying over things yet to come or be seen and i am usually the first to remind from worry we've been set free. i am hurt, deep down by a thing with hardly no root.. so howd the hurt get there? set out on foot, found a path already taken a place were a root had once been. the hurt found its way back but used other means. whos fault is this?
no ones but my own. i am myself. i once made a promise to take each thought captive to check every emotion at the door. we all have faults, short comings and make mistakes. who am i to allow someone elses to become my own? i am myself. i have to stay strong In Him remain joyful and be light.. otherwise i become your hurt by other means and no ones alright.

Abba, please heal this hurt, seal the wound tight, change my mind my heart make it your own. I am dependant on you Lord, reign here now. I am myself when in you i find identity. forgive me for being in the way trying on my own. help me to love as you have loved and receive love when it is right. I give all of this to you. Lord, all of me to you. Thank you for your ever presence, comfort and your love. Jesus rise up in me and flesh will to die. in Jesus name by petition i pray~ amen

Avalanche

2008-06-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

if sin, trouble, worry, problems, doubt, weakness, temptation.. whatever you refer to it as,

were snowflakes...

you may allow it to fall on you and except it as insignificant, as it melts against the warmer surface that it lands. it becomes a liquid being absorbed into the surface that allowed its presence.

unsuspectedly, the snowflake, did not come alone. many follow, until you may find yourself blinded in a fury of the worst winter storm. not being able to see your hand before your face or the hear the voice of reason anylonger, there will become a terrible noise. produced of the falling of your body, your will to continue to surrender yourself becomes seemingly impossible, now it feels as tho its the right to survive. once youve given in and followed yourself and allowed your mind to wander into the depths of the storm you find that the noise you heard was the snow consuming you in avalanche.

now, lying on your face under what seems to be and iced over impermeable blanket of 20 foot depth in snow ice cold you LAY there. hearing only the voice of the one who sent the first flake, saying to you "its too heavy this is too BIG for you, you may as well just lay there and suffocate."

i pray that you recognize this as the LIE that it is. listen for the softer voice, the one you've drowned out in desperate attempt to save yourself. please remember the SON came forth and melted ALL of your snow, ice and freed you from yourself and the need to lift youself from all your trouble. you ARE ALREADY FREE, from all of it, stop listening to the lie... put it in the light of the SON and let Him melt each flake from your life as the insignificant soon passing and gone forever vapor that it will become. as soon as YOU choose to listen for the voice under the snow.

love, love, love!

... roo

What if...

2008-06-10T14:58:00.000-07:00

What if you're right

And he was just another nice guy?

What if you're right?

What if it's true?

They say the cross will only make a fool of you.

And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history

With all the prophets and the kings

Who taught us love and came in peace

But then the story ends?

What then?

But what if you're wrong?

What if there's more?

What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?

What if you jump

And just close your eyes?

What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?

What if He's more than enough?

What if it's love?

What if you dig

Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends?

What if you dig?

What if you find

A thousand more unanswered questions down inside?

That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic

And begin to poke the holes?

What if the crown of thorns is no more

Than folklore that must be told and retold?

You've been running as fast as you can.

You've been looking for a place you can land for so long.

But what if you're wrong?

Passion Speaks

2008-06-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

FEEL the sand BRUSH against bare skin, WIND blows caressing the FLESH. HEART quickens, beats to lapping of WAVES. pray the sea STIR it never become STILL, the RUSH the sound..my body SWAYS. in my eyes, DEEP blue depths go on for days. SPIRIT inside SHACKLED to sandy floor. loss of BREATH, body WEAK..DROWNING. I long for MORE HEAT, SAND, AIR... PASSION speaks.